all happiness, what we assume to be happiness, is artificial.. we are slaves to stimuli.. is any human emotion different than satisfying your appetite with a slice of pizza.. or smoking a cigarette.. the convenience of happiness and the ignorance to forgive its halfassed requisites.. proximity.. availability.. defaulting..
what we call a heart is a combination of subconscious and conscious memories entwined to reveal our inclinations.. we ignore this and presume true feeling.
the sad sobering truth of humanity is that we are all slaves to our own body and mind… until you let free.. all humanly desirable rewards require stupidity.. if we were to be truly aware of our insignificance perhaps humanity would come to a standstill…
.. and yet the most frightening consequence of this is that nothing would change in our universe… absolutely nothing.
recap : mp open hj call, i 3bet jj on button, mp fold hj flat.. 782 2tone.. hj chk, i c-bet.. hj call.. 9 on turn.. he chks.. eff. stack size enough for pot shove so i do.. give him bad odds to draw.. he calls with tt.. j river. down a bi..
then.. i started to squeeze a lil too fckin much and spewd abt 30% of another bi. got jj again opened from utg.. co,button flat, straddle min-raises.. now at this point im thinkin im lucky to have a table with ppl purposely tryin to give themselves -ev consistently.. anyhow i obviously shove.. couldnt ask for a better spot w/ jj.. co,button folds, straddle tanks.. and calls with kqs… flush by the river.
at least blkjk was good to me..
ok so im a lil drunk so i think lot of typos and grammar and stuff like that will be off but not that much cus i sobered up quite a bit. im still pretty smashed. but i was thinking about stuff while i was driving home. lot of stuff jst messin with my head..
first thing that rly screwing with me is atlantis. you kno the lost city under water, city of utopia and utter perfection. alright so, you know people still looking for that city after some thosands and thousands of yrs?? plato writes about it critias and says its made of magic and unicorns. w/e.. fast forward to now and ppl still looking for this place……. u kno what thats like.. thats like if 2000 yrs later someone picks up a copy of harrry potter and goes looking for hogwarts…. or picks up a copy of lord of the rings and i dont kno anyplace in that book but imagine a place in that book and ppl looking for it…… ridiculous… up to there is fine…. i can handle it cus its logically illogical. but this is where stuff gets trippy for me. 2nd place is troy. now homer writes in the iliad about this great war and city of troy and the trojan horse and stuff. romance, struggle, mystery… i mean the books got it all. but turns out this stuff is real! i mean mostly… at least the place troy in turkey somewhere is a real place and they found where the castle used to be and the battle scars left behind…. so now im thinking man… some books can be bull but other ones are the truth..
my dilemma eventually boils down to epistemology.. how the hell do we kno what is real and what is fake.. its like.. how do u know the one u call ur mom is ur actual mom if u never taken a blood test. u werent there to witness ur own birth… she might be lyin to u… think about all the typos uve ever written or read in ur life.. lets say u were to write a book on the history of the world.. its probably the most worthless piece of trash in literature but if apocalypse arrives tomorrow and no other books survive, it becomes the holy scripture to survivors. and then ur version of the world is truth…makes u question everything and evry1 and it makes u not only skeptical but paranoid… i need about 600mg of seroquel stat
more often than not i think about things that seem so arbitrary.. either too far in or beyond my own consciousness. things intangible. life is already so much more complex than finding food to eat and a place to sleep. i dont understand why i bother with floating thoughts and fleeting memories.
life is an equivocally complex matter.. layers upon layers upon layers of thought. like endless concentric circles.. disarrayed but beautifully infinite in nature. something so powerfully affective as the condition of thought is indifferent to circumstance.. microperspectives and macroperspectives.. being 3 steps ahead is just as bad as being 1 step behind.. in essence, normalization will kill all outliers and anomalies have low chance of survival..
it must be an illness of the mind.. thought that is conceived at times of peace are mainly caused by the disease of being content.. comfortable. which is why our modern world is so complex. we are too content. survival is easy but life is hard.
why?
we breed fear of disappointment in each other…
for a common, collective good?
i might be destined to be a guineapig for psychoanalists and neo-freudian/jungians.. unfortunate..
